Sunday, 10 February 2013

Thoughts- On Love and Falling and Falling in Love

I’ve never been good at playing cards (never know what I’m doing)- I’m also not very good at reading them (tarot kind of thing…
I was always more of a ‘crystal ball’ person).
But now I am putting them on the table.
All of them.  (Or so I’ve been telling myself)
I am ready to be clear and honest and real.
I see a lot of my friends back home already in steady ready situations, some with children and marriages.
I think this slow cadence to relationships comes with living in a big city – it’s the trade off for all that multiculturalism and choice.
I am very clear with what I want from love.

I’ve always thought love looks like this:

Especially with all those origami cranes they had in that ceremony – (Thanks George! For lending me your photo and your friendship).
There’s something so beautiful about that photograph.
I always thought it said it all.
Love does not care.
It really doesn’t give a damn about our thoughts.
It just wants to hold hands and feel warm and comfy and clean and pampered and it wants to know it IS- the over thinking is our problem.
At some point I made a list – I listed everything I wanted to find in a man – all kinds of thing: -he likes science – he loves books sort of bullet pointed bullet proof test of compatibility.
Yes- Edward IS the list – so that is funny- 
Nick was close –

I guess sexy brains, with a pinch of action-adventure and some book reading, wine drinking running love making companion. (who believes in me and my crazy dreams and doesn’t mind fame and fortune – Ha!)

I decided to write about this now because my friend Matt wrote a whole entry on his love life, and also partly because I got jealous when Dave went to Spain to live with a beautiful girl –
Love is a thing unrelated.

So many suitable guys perfectly unsuited for me. And all that space in-between.

Mom always told me: “love is perfect- the imperfect ones are us, human beings’.
And also that thing we have with making things complicated. All that game playing and subconscious manipulation – there’s a thing so beautiful about vulnerability and honesty.
But that’s the next step – that’s when you’re done kissing frogs and just want the real thing.
I think.
I think a lot – much too much- overtime- sometimes.

There’s a lot of fear, too… for some reason.
As if hearts were made out of glass- we’ve forgotten that they’re organic – almost separate from us. It does not break, it is malleable, changeable, forgivable, randomized and every few years  - new.

At some point I decided I wanted my life to be magical – so every time I meet someone new, they seem to be ‘the one’, mainly because something happens that makes it seem like a film – but if I look closely – everything in my life has the magic factor- because I decided so.
I would get bored otherwise.
So, from Eddy’s amazing way of asking me out- to the random conversation with the guy on the train – or that afternoon I met Jason Mraz in Kensal Green, or life advice from Chad Franscoviak on rainy days- from coincidental to mind-blowing, from the incredible people I happen to meet, to the person I’ve chosen to be – from Tokyo to a New Yorker magazine – that’s just the way I want my life to be.
It does look a lot like a movie  sometimes – and it will always be that way – so that’s a relief right there- Eddy may or may not be the ‘It’ guy – he just happened to be a lot like me and very willing to provide some of that magic, but if he quits the job, or doesn’t like my card-reading skills, there will be more magic... maybe on train stations or bus stops, maybe in other countries, or in stories in my head.

I don’t think I have issues – yes, some – but not big enough to stop me from having awesome partnerships – that, I think,  is what we tend to believe, maybe to free ourselves from all that responsibility of choice. (Yes, Matt- just decide right now that you’re not what you don’t want to be – and let it go. Period.)

Truth is, I made some pretty bad decisions in my love life in the past- but – from Simon to Edward, I can really say these guys are AWESOME – if things work out or don’t- it means not that they’re assholes –I don’t hang out with people like that, period.
Awesome people attract awesome people.

I do have a thing for chasing (ask Nick).
I do, for some reason – so Eddy was a breath of fresh air – since he did all the chasing.
Now, I’ve thought of doing one of my conceptual art projects – with photographs from all the boys I’ve liked/loved/dated, but it sounds so difficult to convince them to collaborate. I may do it at some point.

As for now, I may just call my biological father and Kenneth Branagh- to clear some baggage and make some good space for either a very cool Edward guy or someone else.
And then I could ask Matt to collaborate in my project – he’s a photographer- a very good one- and I would probably need a picture of him – too.

May all our skeletons rest in peace – in the ground, not a closet.
My birthday is coming up- I may have a little gathering with friends (you’re all invited)– I may be single then (or not) and I may buy a sexy cajon… 
That- too- is real love.
P.s:     Don’t forget John Mayer.
P.s.2.: These are random thoughts, please don’t expect them to make any sense.


Matt said...

This is awesome - I'm glad to help inspire.. And I'd love to collaborate when I'm back in London - this is good reading and great to know a more in depth version of you - keep on keeping on x

Diarmaid Hurley said...

interesting thoughts. also, sexy cajon always a good thing. I have three. I particularly like your line about the skeletons resting in peace. random thoughts blog is a nice idea every now and then. I don't do them nearly often enough any more. anyway, I'm rambling now. Love your blog.