Sunday, 10 February 2013

Thoughts- On Love and Falling and Falling in Love

I’ve never been good at playing cards (never know what I’m doing)- I’m also not very good at reading them (tarot kind of thing…
I was always more of a ‘crystal ball’ person).
But now I am putting them on the table.
All of them.  (Or so I’ve been telling myself)
I am ready to be clear and honest and real.
I see a lot of my friends back home already in steady ready situations, some with children and marriages.
I think this slow cadence to relationships comes with living in a big city – it’s the trade off for all that multiculturalism and choice.
I am very clear with what I want from love.

I’ve always thought love looks like this:

Especially with all those origami cranes they had in that ceremony – (Thanks George! For lending me your photo and your friendship).
There’s something so beautiful about that photograph.
I always thought it said it all.
Love does not care.
It really doesn’t give a damn about our thoughts.
It just wants to hold hands and feel warm and comfy and clean and pampered and it wants to know it IS- the over thinking is our problem.
At some point I made a list – I listed everything I wanted to find in a man – all kinds of thing: -he likes science – he loves books sort of bullet pointed bullet proof test of compatibility.
Yes- Edward IS the list – so that is funny- 
Nick was close –

I guess sexy brains, with a pinch of action-adventure and some book reading, wine drinking running love making companion. (who believes in me and my crazy dreams and doesn’t mind fame and fortune – Ha!)

I decided to write about this now because my friend Matt wrote a whole entry on his love life, and also partly because I got jealous when Dave went to Spain to live with a beautiful girl –
Love is a thing unrelated.

So many suitable guys perfectly unsuited for me. And all that space in-between.

Mom always told me: “love is perfect- the imperfect ones are us, human beings’.
And also that thing we have with making things complicated. All that game playing and subconscious manipulation – there’s a thing so beautiful about vulnerability and honesty.
But that’s the next step – that’s when you’re done kissing frogs and just want the real thing.
I think.
I think a lot – much too much- overtime- sometimes.

There’s a lot of fear, too… for some reason.
As if hearts were made out of glass- we’ve forgotten that they’re organic – almost separate from us. It does not break, it is malleable, changeable, forgivable, randomized and every few years  - new.

At some point I decided I wanted my life to be magical – so every time I meet someone new, they seem to be ‘the one’, mainly because something happens that makes it seem like a film – but if I look closely – everything in my life has the magic factor- because I decided so.
I would get bored otherwise.
So, from Eddy’s amazing way of asking me out- to the random conversation with the guy on the train – or that afternoon I met Jason Mraz in Kensal Green, or life advice from Chad Franscoviak on rainy days- from coincidental to mind-blowing, from the incredible people I happen to meet, to the person I’ve chosen to be – from Tokyo to a New Yorker magazine – that’s just the way I want my life to be.
It does look a lot like a movie  sometimes – and it will always be that way – so that’s a relief right there- Eddy may or may not be the ‘It’ guy – he just happened to be a lot like me and very willing to provide some of that magic, but if he quits the job, or doesn’t like my card-reading skills, there will be more magic... maybe on train stations or bus stops, maybe in other countries, or in stories in my head.

I don’t think I have issues – yes, some – but not big enough to stop me from having awesome partnerships – that, I think,  is what we tend to believe, maybe to free ourselves from all that responsibility of choice. (Yes, Matt- just decide right now that you’re not what you don’t want to be – and let it go. Period.)

Truth is, I made some pretty bad decisions in my love life in the past- but – from Simon to Edward, I can really say these guys are AWESOME – if things work out or don’t- it means not that they’re assholes –I don’t hang out with people like that, period.
Awesome people attract awesome people.

I do have a thing for chasing (ask Nick).
I do, for some reason – so Eddy was a breath of fresh air – since he did all the chasing.
Now, I’ve thought of doing one of my conceptual art projects – with photographs from all the boys I’ve liked/loved/dated, but it sounds so difficult to convince them to collaborate. I may do it at some point.

As for now, I may just call my biological father and Kenneth Branagh- to clear some baggage and make some good space for either a very cool Edward guy or someone else.
And then I could ask Matt to collaborate in my project – he’s a photographer- a very good one- and I would probably need a picture of him – too.

May all our skeletons rest in peace – in the ground, not a closet.
My birthday is coming up- I may have a little gathering with friends (you’re all invited)– I may be single then (or not) and I may buy a sexy cajon… 
That- too- is real love.
P.s:     Don’t forget John Mayer.
P.s.2.: These are random thoughts, please don’t expect them to make any sense.

Sunday, 3 February 2013


Se les observa melancólicos afuera – en grupo,
Escurridizos. Bajo la lluvia, incluso-
Apretando un tubito blanco que saca humo.
Jalando con la boca.
Tanto humo les cabe en los pulmones.
En la cabeza.

La mayoría triste.
Por quién sabe qué cosa.

Añorando algo que todavía no se saben.
Algo, cualquier cosa.

Viven solos – acompañados, pero solos.
Incapacitados por ellos mismos.
Como caminantes somnolientos.
Por sí mismos.

Se saben de memoria tonterías.
¿Quiénes son?
De veras no lo saben ellos mismos.
Se emparejan porque pueden.
Se implementan situaciones, rutinas, impertinencias, boberías, aburriciones, miedos.
Se callan sus verdades, sueños.
Los descartan con miedo- como a arenas movedizas.
Se encarcelan, se castigan, se enloquecen- viejos.

La vida es para ellos apretada –
Bien de prisa.
Se la pasan dando vueltas, como niños –
A la ronda – porque sí – no por nada.